Why Do I Hate Twilight So Much?

Last night marked the midnight release of the third installation of the Twilight Series: Eclipse.  Movie theaters were lined with preadolescent girls, a bunch of gay guys, and adults somehow attempting to become young again through the viewing of America’s most terrible movie.  As I ponder the cash cow that this movie has become, my superior brain begins to wonder at why I despise the series so much.

I’ll start at the root of the problem…the book’s author Stephenie Meyer.  The following is a quote from Stephen King, the greatest American horror writer of all time, he wrote this tiny book called The Stand…you should pick it up.

"[J.K.] Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good… writing to a whole generation of girls and opening up kind of a safe joining of love and sex in those books. It’s exciting and it’s thrilling and it's not particularly threatening because they’re not overtly sexual."

One of my favorite conversations of all time involves me making fun of a girl for liking twilight…she replies “have you ever read the books?  They are so good; Stephanie Meyer is a great writer I bet you don’t even read.”  Well actually I have already read about 20 books this year, and I am pretty sure that Stephen King just agreed with me so…I’m just going to go with that. 

The book rambles and attempts to capture the teenage angst of an annoyingly drab set of characters.  Please do not think that I am criticizing for no reason, I HAVE sat down and read a chapter in Barnes and Noble.  Regarding flow, the entirety of the book feels choppy and forced. 

Second, my problem is the mainstream appeal.   I am possibly biased, and admittedly, I am one of those music snobs who calls a band a “bunch of sellouts” when they receive a ton of radio attention, but twilight has taken it a step further, especially in connection with MTV.  In the 90’s when I was still watching the Ninja Turtles, MTV was a channel on the cutting edge which reflected the culture of teenagers and young adults across the country.  The channel actually played music and was a symbol of rebellion against the conformity of American Culture.  Now, it is filled with reality shows and gross retardation, capitalizing on America’s odd fetish with celebrity news and drama. 

After watching about 10 minutes of the MTV movie awards, Twilight had won three, THREE recognitions: Best Female Performance, Best Kiss, and Best Movie…you cannot be serious.  Has the whole thing just turned into a big advertisement effort?  I mean one award maybe but THREE?   Regardless, I am tired of Burger King jumping on the bandwagon too and this whole Team “Cro-Magnon Man Idiot Vampire” or “Retarded Eskimo Queer Wolf” play…I’m on team all of you “go kill yourselves”…how’s that?  I’m still waiting for Voldemort to just pop out and kill Robert Pattinson…any day now.

Finally, the movies aren’t good…the acting is terrible and no one actually says anything.  The entirety of the movie is a sequence of stares with that same goofy “Blue Steel” look from Zoolander.  Maybe it’s because I am bitter that anything I write will most likely never become as famous or successful as Meyer.  Either way I am not a fan of the series for justified reasons…all you 12 year old girls go enjoy your movie.  


Sorry if you are my friend and you like the books and/or movies.